How I Feel About The Way I Look

I am back from my month long trip home. Fun had with family and friends, half marathon run (more on that later), my longest separation from my husband/best friend endured with composure for the most part, a photoshoot celebrating the children that gave me my "mummy tummy" and scars done (also, more on that later) and lastly the torturous 8 hour flights both ways with the two kids on my own completed (please, God, never again!). All in all it has been an eventful, busy month and a half, and I am glad to be back to my mostly quiet, mostly uneventful little life.

Over the last few days I have been pondering body image. Actually, it is something I have been working through for awhile. I recently saw a picture of myself and the first thought that popped into my head, "UGH! Do I really look that fat?" Pictures are definetely one of those things that can make you look better or worse than you really are - you know, depending on the angle, the lighting, etc., etc. Some pictures I've seen of myself lately have made me feel good. Kinda like, "Ok, I don't look quite so bad." All of that to say this, I realized I am looking at pictures of myself (looking good or bad) to find validation for my body. How do I look to everyone else out there?

 Another thing I noticed myself doing only yesterday was checking other women out on the beach, seeing if they looked like me, thinner than me, less cellulite than me, stretch marks like me, more or less tan than me, etc., etc. And this is all practically subconscious, happens in my brain before I even realize I did it. But the thought eventually occured to me (maybe after my 10 mo. old finally fell asleep under the umbrella, my 3 yr. old was out playing with daddy, and I had 2 seconds to think?), why do I need to look around at the other women around me, measuring myself, comparing myself, to decide whether I can feel good or terrible about my body that day?

You see, underneath the weight loss struggles and frustrations are the body image issues. Am I really going to feel better about myself long-term when I get to such and such weight? I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago, at the weight that I am wanting to be now, and I distinctly remember NOT feeling thin or sexy even then, when I was. It's made me realize, no matter what weight I am at today, or how poochy my stomach is today, if in my head I can't appreciate myself as-is, I will never relax, I will never enjoy the achievement of my weight loss goals, I will never feel thin and sexy. And isn't this what it's all about, how I FEEL about the way that I look? I think I have come a little ways on this issue in the last few months, something that would never have happened if I had achieved my weight loss right away like I expected to (I say that very begrudgingly, God). I am wrestling my thoughts, trying to find a way to be happy without being thin, to somehow appreciate the other accomplishements, like running a half marathon for example!

Is it blaringly obvious to everyone else by reading this, that I am a total perfectionist! UGH! :)